It is Valentine’s Day as I write this. Today means, I imagine, different things to different people. For some it is a romantic, Christmas-tier holiday, with all the Madison Avenue approved trimmings: dressed up, romantic, candlelit dinner, flowers and heart-shaped box of candy. Others, perhaps, are content with the candy, consuming the entire box alone, wearing a bathrobe and binge-watching Netflix. Some hardly note the day’s passing. There are any of a myriad possibilities.
The important question is, of course, how would famous fantasy characters react to Valentine’s Day? What sort of Valentine’s Day card would — for example — Elric pen in flowing runes for his one and only? Let’s find out, shall we.
I’m snow-white albino and you’re jet-black sable, an Oreo cookie savory. We harmonize like ebony and ivory.
We harvest blood and souls for Arioch, Chaos lord strutting like a peacock. Thinks he’s cock of the walk.
We have a co-dependency, you devour souls, so I replenish energy. More than our parts: you kill so I live, a symbiotic synergy.
In battle we’re masters. You’re my mic, I’m Marshall Mathers. Through the multiverse we leave disasters.
I can’t live without you, Stormbringer, mine. Won’t you be my Valentine?
I regret nothing.
Moving on, one wonders what Conan might scratch with a dagger upon the mainmast of the Tigress.
Along the Black Coast, at every port and village
We raid at will, plunder and pillage.
Across the sea road we stride,
A Hyborian Bonnie and Clyde.
O, Bèlit, till your last flash and shine
You will always be my Valentine.
Here and there through his Middle-Earth epics, J.R.R. Tolkien created some unforgettable romantic pairings. Beren and Lúthien. Aragorn and Arwen. Umm, Túrin and Niënor (cough.) But was there ever as heartfelt an attachment as:
We loves you more than wriggly fish,
Than eggses, though for eggs we wish.
We cannot be seen, cannot be felt
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt
When throttling goblins from behind.
Precious, please be our Valentine.